the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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