she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
