Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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