I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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