New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
