I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
