a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
