Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My ATM looks so different sober.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
