now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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