Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
