wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
