HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
