do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
