I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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