She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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