I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
