so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
