he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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