So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
