I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
