just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Did I show you my penis last night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
