The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
did you just send me my own nude
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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