eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
