I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
