That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
