I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
