i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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