I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
