Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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