i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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