You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
