I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
