At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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