I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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