Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
