I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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