I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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