So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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