mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
