u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
