I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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