I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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