Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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