The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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