you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
birth control should be required to get into college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
