I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
