Non-Jews are for practice
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
