The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have so many feelings about this burrito
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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