The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
