I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
